Disclaimer: this post has literally nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day I’ll plan ahead with more themed content, but for now these little sporadic ramblings are my brand. 🙂
Do you ever find yourself really wanting to create, but whenever you try to sit down and actually make something happen, you draw a complete blank? Like, you KNOW that you have all kinds of thoughts and feelings and ideas dancing around in your mind that are begging to be brought to life, but the minute you try to focus on them you lose all recollection of any interesting thing that has ever happened to you that you could draw inspiration from. Suddenly you have never experienced pain or happiness or any situation or emotion that could prompt the creation of a great song/story/painting/etc. If you could physically see the inside of your mind it would be a literal brick wall.
That’s been me. Hi.
There’s actually been a lot happening in my life lately. And I feel like I used to be better at keeping people updated. Or maybe I used to just overshare at all times. Either way, I’ve definitely been keeping to myself a little more than usual, and I think maybe that buildup of different emotions has brought me to this weird creative roadblock. So, as much as I wish I could fully explain all the things I’ve been feeling and learning and thinking about over the last couple months in a creative way like I’ve been trying to.. I’m STRUGGLIN and I’m kinda just typing all of this on the fly and seeing what comes out.
While I’m here, I have a few life updates to share. Since the beginning of the year I got an internship at a PR agency that has already been filled with really cool learning and growth opportunities. It’s shown me that I am so much more capable than I tend to think. The experience has already been a challenge for me as I struggle through the anxiety of being in a new place with new people and so many unknowns still ahead of me, but it feels good to continuously combat that anxiety by pushing through. The only real downside to this new opportunity is that my time nannying for the best family in the world had to come to an end! I left that nanny job feeling so full and thankful for the blessing of getting to know such a great family and experience so much love from the sweetest little baby. The Lord knew that I needed to be filled up, and that job was the perfect thing for me.
Another big update is that I switched therapists for the first time since I started going back to therapy over two years ago. It may not seem like much to some people. But I used to say that I didn’t know how I would ever be able to switch therapists because I would feel like I had to completely start over and tell them everything I’d already hashed out before with someone else. As I’ve grown, though, I realized that my needs were changing — I wasn’t struggling with all the same things I used to struggle with. I wasn’t leaving my therapy sessions feeling very fulfilled anymore, and when I finally decided to reach out to someone new, she immediately praised me for my growth. It made me recognize that I really have come so much further than I even realized. To be able to make the decision to go to someone new and not feel the need to take all my old burdens there with me? I FEEL GREAT. I can’t wait to keep going.
Other things have happened in the last couple months that have really affected me, too, but I may save those for another day. Basically, 2020 has already been a lot. And most days I’ve felt extremely tired and burnt out for reasons that I can’t even fully explain. However, I’m still feeling very optimistic about what the year could potentially hold. It’s cool really. Sometimes I think about how genuinely excited I am to experience things that I know are eventually going to come. And that mindset is HUGE for me. Two years ago around this exact same time, I really didn’t know how to feel optimistic about anything, and it was such a hard place to be in.
February means a lot of things to me now. It brings back a lot of memories, and it brings up a lot of feelings. This year, I’m mostly just really proud of myself. For all the hard things I’ve grown from up to this point and for continuing to choose hope. And if you’re struggling in this season, whatever it looks like for you, I hope you can find reasons to be proud of yourself, too.
If no one has told you lately, you’re doing awesome and I’m proud of you for making it to this point. I know it’s not always easy. I know the year may not have started out the way you had hoped. And I know that you may be carrying a lot with you. But I also know that every day is another chance — for new relationships, new perspectives, new experiences, new lessons.
Plus, the year is YOUNG. Here’s hoping the rest of it will be full of good times, blessings and growth through the hard seasons.
Love you guys. And I love talking to you! If you ever want to chat, my inbox is always open! Also, in honor of Valentine’s Day, here are some fun pictures from a photoshoot I did with my friend Caroline hehe.
Thanks for reading,