A year ago I began a healing process that I never imagined I would have to walk through. After a draining period of overwhelming anxiety, depression, and a complete lack of self-confidence, I ended a year-and-a-half-long relationship that was supposed to last forever. I didn’t know what the coming days were going to look like, and I didn’t want to think about it. I really just wanted to stay in bed for the rest of my life because trying to figure out where to go from where I was seemed way too hard. Turns out you have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, so that didn’t last very long.
They say that losing someone you love through a breakup of any kind is almost worse than having a loved one pass away. I’ve been blessed to never have experienced the death of anyone close to me, but I thought about this idea so much when going through my breakup. When someone you love dies, I think it’s safe to assume that they would have chosen to stay with you if they could. When you go through a breakup that you never wanted, the person you love is still here. But for one reason or another, they made the decision to continue their life without you. I don’t know if any thought cuts deeper for me than that one.
It was hard to find any kind of relief at first because all I could feel was the pain of what just happened. I remember thinking, “I will never get through this sadness.” I really thought I would always be heartbroken.
12 months ago, I was in a completely different place. I had a different outlook and different plans, and I truly felt like my entire life was ruined. BUT GUESS WHAT — I don’t feel that way anymore. I see things so differently now. I don’t think I could pinpoint the exact moments over the last year in which I noticed myself healing, but from here I can see how much the Lord has been working in my heart all along. God brought so many blessings out of my heartbreak that I never would’ve expected. Here are a few:
Those are a few of the big things that make me look back on this last year of my life and see it as something so sweet. My roommate and I were talking about the butterfly effect a few weeks ago and I realized that had anything in my life worked out any differently, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. If God had allowed me to keep what I thought I wanted for the rest of my life, I would have missed out on every blessing he gave me over the last year, and there have been so many. What a crazy thought (and yet another reminder that we don’t what’s best for us like God knows what’s best for us AMEN).
I share all of this with you because I know that heartbreak is something so many of us have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience at some point. I know the isolation of heartbreak when it seems like no one in the world could possibly understand the pain you feel. I’ve been there. But, know that there is Someone who understands. Whose heart breaks when yours does. Who has plans to heal you from your biggest hurts.
I got this little tat to serve as a reminder of all the beautiful changes I went through in the last year that brought me to where I am right now. The road was never easy, and I don’t expect every day from here on out to be smooth sailing, but I know that the Lord never intended to leave me where I was. He won’t leave you where you are, either. He tells us in Deuteronomy 31:8 that he will never leave us or forget about us. Believe that promise.
I hope this provides a little bit of hope to anyone out there experiencing heartbreak. And let me just tell you, as cliché as it sounds: if this dramatic little enneagram 4 could make it through the pain of her heartbreak and eventually find the blessings in it when she felt like it was more likely that the entire world would combust first, I promise that you can, too.
Thanks for reading,